My Life in 140 Characters or Less

There are days when stringing together more than three words of a single thought is doing good.  Expanding on that thought beyond that one sentence?  There is not enough coffee in this world to make that possible some days.  My inner monologue is not faring any better, most days it sounds something like this:


7AM: Must get coffee.
7:14AM: Get more coffee.
7:33AM: Cold pizza?  Acceptable breakfast.
8:02AM: Baby, please nap.

And so on, and so forth.  On really good days though, I find that my thoughts get a little bit wittier and lengthier towards something I refer to as my Inner Twitter/Facebook Feed.  Not wanting to put anything online line that is boring I have caught myself thinking about how I would turn mundane moments into catchy status updates.  For example:

MP wishes she could lock the kids in their rooms and go shopping.


MP would love a DQ blizzard.  Why doesn't DQ deliver?


If a genii showed up I would ask for these three things: sleep, pacifiers that stay in babies mouths and an endless supply of chocolate cake.


Class I could teach: Baby Wrangling 101, Distraction Methods 203 and The Lost Art of Eating with One Hand (Advanced Course)

You get the picture.  I find that if I try and stick to short, clever sentences I find the humor in stressful situations and I can pretend that I am still using my mind for things other than toddler arguments.  Why do I not put these up online more often?  Well, I would hate for Child Protection workers to show up at my door when I am still wearing my PJs and  most days I just cannot be bothered.  Plus I say these things to entertain myself.  I am pretty sure other people do not think I am as funny as I think I am.  Especially as funny as I think I am in my own head.